[A quick check list for those who need to make contact.]

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby
pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies
and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it
deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

2. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the
error messages from here.

3. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for
coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your
password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not
what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know
that you can't get into your mail because your computer
won't power on at all.

5. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high
importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.

6. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk
right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to

7. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks
it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
There's electronics in it.

9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid
of, call computer support. We're collectors.

11. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an
I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no
description of the problem. We love a puzzle.

12. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens
don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good

13. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there
shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how
many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.

14. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least
20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send
the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is
bound to work.